The Word "Tranquila"

As with most languages, one word can have several different meanings. One of the most beautiful words I have come to know so far is the word, "tranquila." The first time I heard it was in La Labor, with the psycho little Chihuahua puppy, Yogi. Whenever he would flip out and start biting everything, my cousin would tell him "tranquila!" as she pet his head and tried to get him to stop biting her. The second time I heard it was on my last night there, when I began to cry because I knew I would miss that family so much. 

It took me a while to figure out the "Tranquila" means "Calm down." But not in the same way Americans use it. "Calm down" is an impersonal phrase. It's a command. "Calm down" often translates to: "I know you're upset. I don't like that you're upset. It's bothering me. But I am not going to do anything to help. So you have to be the one to change how you feel." Which is why, telling someone to calm down is about as productive as trying to baptize a cat. It's not going to work. Ever.

"Tranquila" has a different context. It is a warm hug your host mom gives you, the softness of her body enveloping your face, as if she's trying to squeeze the pain and sadness right out of you. It is a gentle stroking of your shoulder by a Guatemalan host sister with the most beautiful brown eyes you've ever seen, that hold all the love needed to wash your pain away. It's the kindness on a teacher's face when she finds you crying in the bathroom and reassures you that you're not stupid just because you can't figure out how to use subjunctive tense, in Spanish, after only 5 hours of sleep. 

It's not a command. You don't have to calm down if you don't feel like it. But you better believe that person is going to do what they can to help. "Tranquila" translates, in context, to, "I'm here to help you find a happier state of mind, and I will love you until you're calm again." 

Money Matters

It's true that when people are desperate for money, they will do anything they're able to, whether it's work as a maid, sell handmade cloths and shirts, beg, or in some cases, steal. However, on that topic, there is a lot less theft than I was subconsciously expecting here. I have been keeping a watchful eye on my phone and my bag whenever I'm walking in the streets but so far, pick pocketing doesn't seem to be as much of a problem as I had anticipated. There are a lot more street vendors than I expected, though. In the park there is always someone wandering around with a giant tray full of random snacks, gum, candy, and cigarettes. I have to wonder how much money they make in a day. I also observed that our drivers in La Labor and in Guatemala City were also more generous with buying gum from street vendors, giving money to children in the street begging, or giving money to the people washing their windows. In America, a lot of people see a homeless man begging on the street and roll up their windows to drive away. 
While stealing isn't as much of a problem, cheating is. This topic first came up with my host family in Xela when they complimented me on my Spanish accent. They then went on to tell me that when I'm shopping with my friends at the street vendors, to make sure that I do all the talking, because the vendors will charge more to the “gringas” since they assume that we don't know any better. My teachers at PLQ said the same thing. I had my eye on a pair of athletic pants in one of the secondhand stores near the school, and the store owner was asking 70Q for them. Not a bad price. I asked my teacher what a good price was for clothing here and she told me that it was a little bit high. She walked with me to the store and talked him down to 60Q. She told me that a lot of store owners won't post the prices on their merchandise so they can charge whatever price they think the gringos will fall for. My teacher told me a story about how the bus that she used to get to work would consistently charge 10Q to the gringos on the bus who looked like they didn't know what the price was, and charge 5Q to everyone else. It made her mad because she believes in justice for everyone, and what they were doing was unfair. 
However, I don't mind paying a little extra for things here, though. I figure it's going to a good cause. By charging me that 10Q extra, that store owner will have more money to take care of his family. And for me, it's the difference between paying $8.57 and $10.00. Not that big of a deal. I started out thinking that I was spending way too much because I was going through about 200Q per week, and then I remember that's like $30. 
It's also been enlightening for me to understand what people may be going through when they immigrate to the United States. A simple thing like buying a water bottle is complicated when I have to hear the total, translate it in my head, separate out the dollar and the cents amount that I just heard, find out which one of the foreign money bills and coins in my purse are the ones I need, hand it to the cashier, and hope I got it right! I'm thankful I'm getting better at dividing by 7 in my head and making purchases is getting more fluent for me. The more I practice, the better I'll get. 

Better Now

Today just goes to show that when you're not comfortable at home, you're not comfortable anywhere. In a manner of thinking about how everything here relates to my students, I am glad I had the experience I did this week. I was not comfortable in the first host home I was in. My host mom there was very stern, serious, even rude at times. I felt like I could never make her happy. From the moment I arrived, she treated me like I had done something wrong even though I barely knew her. Even though I was unaware of it at first, my anxiety grew every time I had to go back to the house because I knew she'd be upset at me for something. I didn't realize how much of an issue it was until I was talking to one of my group members about how I was hungry because I hadn't eaten much at meals. She suggested that I could ask my host mom for more food, and I remembered that morning when I was scared to even ask her for a napkin. I realized that it was impossible to practice Spanish, or feel comfortable, with someone I was afraid to ask for a napkin. So, despite how comfortable I was with my room there, the family cats, and the other family members, I went to the school director today and asked for a transfer of host family.
To my surprise, he agreed, and told me to go grab my stuff. I was shocked, because I figured it would be at least a week to arrange another host home. I went back to get my stuff packed, and within an hour, I was in a new home. My new host mom greeted me with a warm smile, introduced me to the rest of the family  and sat and talked with me for half an hour about our families, our work, and our lives. She told me that if I needed anything to just ask, and that she was happy to have me here. In just the first 10 minutes of being here, I felt like I could breathe again. I don't have to stress about making small mistakes, or worry about what I'm going to get scolded for next. I feel like I took a gamble in requesting a transfer, and won. Now even though I know this week will be busy and I will be stressed with everything I have to do, I know that I will be emotionally more prepared to handle it.

Hardest Week So Far

I wish I could say that I'm enjoying myself and having a great time here, but that wouldn't be the truth. This week was hard. Not so much the learning of Spanish, but the fact that we have no time to learn it. I have started crying at several of my class sessions because I feel like I have to pack in all the knowledge quickly, because I know I will forget all of it by tomorrow. I would feel better if I had time to practice later, but I know there won’t be any. 

We go straight from breakfast, to school, to our host family for a quick lunch that I usually have to wolf down so I don’t have time to talk, back to the school for a trip or event, back home to, again, wolf down some food as fast as I can, so I can go back to the school for yet another activity, which ends late and then I have to straight home to bed. Most of the time after 1:30pm  is spent thinking, and speaking, in English. The tour guide speaks in Spanish, but a translator is usually there, also, so we don't catch any of the Spanish. 

Of course, I understand that it’s important to learn about the culture of Guatemala, and one or two activities per week I feel like would suffice to be able to experience the culture, as well as the language. I do want to learn about the culture, but not at the expense of learning Spanish, which was my original goal in coming here. Being required to go to every single activity is a little excessive, and takes away from the learning that I could be doing if I just had some time each day to process the new things I learned at school. 

I’m also struggling because I am missing the people back home. I am one of only two people who doesnt have wifi at my host family home, meaning that the only time I’m able to connect with my loved ones is when I’m at school, when I should be studying and learning! So now if I need support or encouragement from home, I have to sacrifice more of my learning time for that. I feel like that should be the last thing I have to sacrifice. It really makes me angry. I realize we have free time on Saturdays and Sundays, but that is absolutely not enough time to receive support from my loved ones at home, or practice my Spanish, which are the most important things I need on this trip right now. 

Despite being in a new country and being with the other group members from Newman, it’s difficult to support each other and encourage each other, when every single person is feeling stressed out, tired, annoyed, and frustrated. None of us are in good shape emotionally right now, so it would be helpful to get encouragement from my loved ones back in the United States who still have their strength and energy and can remind me why I chose to come here. 

I'm sure it will get better with time. Or perhaps, I will do what one of the other girls has already started doing today, and boycott the field trips and extra events that I don't have time to go to. We're hopefully all going to talk to our teacher this weekend and see if there's something she can do. I don't know if it will work, but I can hope for the best. 

My First Week

I felt more love this week than I have ever had in a lifetime. 

This week I got to experience firsthand what it's like to learn a new language in a new country. At first, I was surprised how easy it was. I was meeting new people and seeing new things, beautiful views and landscapes that took my breath away. I tried my hardest to speak Spanish, and didn't mind being the target of jokes and teasing because I didn't understand. My family asked me a lot of questions and were very careful to speak slowly and clearly so I could follow everything.

It was about a week in when things got hard. I'm not even sure what changed. It was probably just a buildup of a lot of things. I think I just got tired. Now tired physically, because I have been sleeping enough. But tired of constantly having to struggle. I was tired of trying to explain basic things and needs that I should be able to say but don't know the words. It's much more challenging than I thought it would be. 

Fortunately I'm thankful for a lot here. My host family was wonderful. Betty, the grandmother, was so loving and sweet and kind. She was a terrific cook. She always made sure I had plenty to eat. Her daughter, Mariela, was beautiful and was exactly my age. She was always really interested in learning about me and very patient with teaching me new things. The youngest sister was 21 and taught me a lot about Guatemalan culture for people my age. Her boyfriend really liked including me in the conversations, too. And Eduardo, Mariela's son, was 7 years old and a riot! He loved to give me random hugs and entertain us instead of eating his dinner. Not unlike the kids in the United States.

My favorite thing about my host family was that they never gave up on me. They didn't let "Yo no entiendo" (I don't understand) be the end of the conversation. They would talk and explain and draw pictures for me, sometimes for 10 minutes or more, until I understood what was going on. 

All of us girls on the trip felt like we were back to being children again, in a lot of ways. Our moms gossiped about our sleeping, living, and eating habits, and if we could speak and understand them. We had to eat our food even if we didn't like it. We had to go to bed at 8 because we were so exhausted. Most of the time we don't know our plans for the day, so when our parents said "Vamos!" we would "vamos" right along like little ducklings with no clue as to where we were going. It sounds stressful but in a way it was kind of freeing. I had very little to try to remember, so I was free to devote all my energy to speaking Spanish (which is a lot more energy than I expected).

I learned a lot in my first week here. Not just Spanish but life, and the culture here. In Guatemala, there is a phrase called "sobremesa" which is a custom to spend time together at the table, whether you're eating or not, and just be in each other's presence, even if it's silent. It's silent a lot of the time, and nobody feels awkward or feels the need to fill it. I've learned to appreciate just sitting and being with other people I love. If anything was a gift from this first week, it was that. I feel ready to continue on my journey. 

First Morning Reflections

This morning, I am thankful for the fact that I slept well last night. Of course, sleeping medicine helps a lot. That was nice to wake up naturally to birds singing, cars driving around outside, and sunlight streaming through the open window. It gave me a solid hour to re-pack my bag from looking like "Holy crap here's everything on my list thrown into this bag!" to "Here's what I need on top."
I have always been an early riser as an adult. I think that comes from my dad, who would always tell us that the earlier we woke up, the more we could do in a day. Now I have gotten a chance to get my things organized, get my brain organized, and wake up slowly with the smell of fresh air from outside.
Yesterday was a trip! No, literally! They canceled our flight to Dallas, so we had to take a sudden 5 hour road trip from Wichita to Dallas, packed into the last rental van the airport had, with all our stuff piled on top of us! Somehow, we made it with about an hour to spare. Got our bags checked, got through security, and had just enough time to gobble down some snacks before getting on the plane. That was about when my anxiety spiked, but as usual, it dissolved as soon as the wheels on the plane were up and we were in the air. Somehow it's like I just know that whatever happens, will happen now, and there's nothing I can do but accept it and roll with it.
So far, I'm 1/1 on how to use the shower! (Although it did take me three trips to the bathroom to remember all my stuff), and 2/2 on brushing my teeth with a water bottle! I'm 1/2 on not throwing toilet paper into the toilet though. Oops! 😳 Guess my just-woke-up self is not quite fully acclimated yet.
It seems so strange to finally be here. Today we will get to tour Guatemala City a little bit, and start the beginning of our journey. Our professor is taking us on one of the museum tours, which has both an English and a Spanish tour. Guess which one she requested? It's looking like our Spanish learning begins today. Bring it on. I feel ready!

Ready to Leave

What a strange thing it is, to have the thing that I've waited for for 6 months, about to finally happen...

Today I crossed the last thing I had off my to-do list. The to-do list started as 4 sub categories, each with a timeline of which they had to be finished. The last thing on the list was pack. I now have 8 weeks of stuff to survive, in a suitcase, a duffel bag, and a small backpack. My whole life will be in those 3 bags for the whole summer.
I don't even know how I feel. I'm excited, obviously. But it's mixed in with apprehension. I have no idea what to expect. And maybe that's not a bad thing. If I go in with no expectations, then I will be surprised no matter what. It will be a strange feeling, not having to plan every second of every day. With my ADHD as bad as it is, I have gotten so reliant on external reminders to get through the day. My days, weeks, and months are just endless series of lists of things to do, reminders of things to accomplish. If breathing weren't involuntary, it would probably be on my to-do list.

So now I go to a place where, for 8 weeks, I will not be in control. I will simply just have to be. Be still, be present, be learning.

I think that will be a good thing for me. I notice as my departure date gets closer, I have been making an extra effort to hold and pet my cats, to give my horse a little more treats, to hug my boyfriend longer. I'm starting to suspect this trip will make me appreciate everything I have and love, that much more. Not that I don't appreciate and love them, but when my life is just one task after another, it's very hard to just be present and enjoy the things I love.

So among my goals of learning Spanish, and experiencing another culture, I want to practice being present, as much and as often as possible. I want to soak in every experience that I have, without the constant background noise of social media and checklists. I have made it this far. I no longer have to be an overachiever and have a big destination in mind. The destination is here. And I'm going to experience everything I possibly can.

Wish me luck, everyone! I will miss you all!