Ready to Leave

What a strange thing it is, to have the thing that I've waited for for 6 months, about to finally happen...

Today I crossed the last thing I had off my to-do list. The to-do list started as 4 sub categories, each with a timeline of which they had to be finished. The last thing on the list was pack. I now have 8 weeks of stuff to survive, in a suitcase, a duffel bag, and a small backpack. My whole life will be in those 3 bags for the whole summer.
I don't even know how I feel. I'm excited, obviously. But it's mixed in with apprehension. I have no idea what to expect. And maybe that's not a bad thing. If I go in with no expectations, then I will be surprised no matter what. It will be a strange feeling, not having to plan every second of every day. With my ADHD as bad as it is, I have gotten so reliant on external reminders to get through the day. My days, weeks, and months are just endless series of lists of things to do, reminders of things to accomplish. If breathing weren't involuntary, it would probably be on my to-do list.

So now I go to a place where, for 8 weeks, I will not be in control. I will simply just have to be. Be still, be present, be learning.

I think that will be a good thing for me. I notice as my departure date gets closer, I have been making an extra effort to hold and pet my cats, to give my horse a little more treats, to hug my boyfriend longer. I'm starting to suspect this trip will make me appreciate everything I have and love, that much more. Not that I don't appreciate and love them, but when my life is just one task after another, it's very hard to just be present and enjoy the things I love.

So among my goals of learning Spanish, and experiencing another culture, I want to practice being present, as much and as often as possible. I want to soak in every experience that I have, without the constant background noise of social media and checklists. I have made it this far. I no longer have to be an overachiever and have a big destination in mind. The destination is here. And I'm going to experience everything I possibly can.

Wish me luck, everyone! I will miss you all!

Bananas

The things you see when you suddenly are aware of what's going on around you. How many times have I bought bananas in the store and never noticed that they said Guatemala on them?

Then, I started to wonder. I bought an entire bunch of bananas for $1.18 at my local Dillons. Which means that in order for that company to have made a profit, that bunch of bananas had to have been grown, sprayed, cut down, and shipped over 2000 miles for my spoiled white self to be able to purchase them for $1.18 at Dillons. How much less did the (most likely) indigenous Mayan person get paid for this? I just bought enough food to make dinner for the entire week, in less than 20 minutes at the grocery store, and barely glanced at the total because I knew I had enough money for it.

Did this person's family eat tonight?

If you haven't donated yet, I need your help more than ever. I will be traveling there not just to learn Spanish, but to do some service projects in one of the most impoverished areas of the country. I will be spending my American money at local business and buying items from local craftspeople to help them put food on their tables.

https://www.gofundme.com/my-bilingual-journey

Progressing Reflections

When I first started on this journey of getting ready to go to Guatemala, my one and only goal was to learn Spanish. I had a very singular mindset as I got started. However, upon completing the readings needed for this month, and our talks in class, another goal has come to the surface that I am now adding to my goal list. I want to understand what my students are going through. One of the major themes of the readings and class discussions has been trauma. This year in particular, my district is pushing for trauma-informed practices among the staff members in all the schools of the district. Studies have shown that trauma affects the brain, and as the book We Were Taught to Plant Corn, Not to Kill mentions several times, trauma can become embedded in a person’s DNA, and can be a very challenging thing to overcome. Many of my students struggle with trauma also, which can make them act out in strange ways, often ways that one would not expect. If I view them from the lens of a traumatized person, rather than just a kid “acting out” in class, I am more likely to be understanding and patient with their behavior.


I feel like the trauma that my students have experienced and the trauma of the indigenous people of Guatemala share one big key element: being taken advantage of and unable to stop it. Page 38-40 of I, Rigoberta Menchu describes the death of her brother, and how her mother had to watch him slowly starve to death, unable to do anything to help him. The landowners wouldn’t even allow her to bury him, and when she finally did get the money to afford him a burial, they fired her for missing a day of work. I counted 7 different times in the chapter that Rigoberta said, “I/we didn’t know what to do.” The feeling of helplessness perpetuates the feeling of trauma even further. When she was a maid in the capital, her only way to maintain her dignity was to be stubborn and refuse certain tasks that the mistress was trying to force her to do. (pg 91-100) This applies a lot to my students as well, who will often be defiant just for the sake of being defiant. After reading that chapter, I now wonder if it’s because they are treated so badly at home, or because they see their parents acting like that to authority figures who take advantage of them. The part of the book that truly made me sick was page 177, where she described in detail watching her brother and other prisoners be tortured and burned alive, and knowing she could do nothing to stop it. Her mother later said on page 196, that “when a woman sees her son tortured and burned to death, she is incapable of forgiving anyone or ridding herself of that hatred.” After her mother was kidnapped, she still couldn’t even go to see her, because she knew she would be killed anyway, and there was nothing she could do.


That same theme of helplessness and trauma was present in We Were Taught to Plant Corn, Not to Kill, as well. The story that stood out to me the most was the one called Innocence on page 26. Up until that point, I had read about the atrocities in the other books we’d covered in class, but the evil in that story was what really hit home. I couldn’t fathom what kind of people would offer toys to little children, and then brutally murder them and their entire families. Later, when the author returned, she found that the soldiers had lived in and trashed her house. After reading that story, I had to take a break because I felt too sick to read anymore.


The other story that stood out to me in that section of the book was on page 43, the chapter called “Schools.” In college, I had read stories about children in the Southwestern United States who were indigenous Native Americans, who were forced to go through the same kind of treatment: Not allowed to speak their home language, verbally and physically abused at the whims of their teachers, and a lack of education overall. The quote that stood out to me the most was, “That is how they forced us to learn Spanish, and taught us to be ashamed of the fact that we were Mayan.” (43) I feel like when one has been taught from childhood to be ashamed of who they are, that doesn’t go away quickly, if ever.


But there was hope at the end of the book, and I did like that part. On page 117, it says, “Children represent Guatemala’s best hope for the future, their minds are still open.” It goes on to talk about how trauma-informed mental health services will be the best chance that Guatemala has at healing from the trauma in their past. Changing people’s mindsets, though, it not easy, no matter what country you are in.


On page 39 of Guatemala in Focus (which I finished last month but revisited this month), it says that by “The government agreed to launch a campaign to change mindsets and behavior and to criminalize ethnic discrimination.” I feel like the later will be much easier than the former. As with most stories in history, it is easier to change laws than to change people’s minds. Even in The United States, we have laws prohibiting racism and inequality, but we still see it all over the place in people’s minds. But I agree that something must be done.


I think it will start by listening. Listening to the families, my teachers, the people in the aldea, and hearing any stories they have to share. Last week, when I was doing parent teacher conferences, I experienced a lot of frustration as I tried to ask questions in Spanish, knowing full well I would only be able to catch half the answer. I was able to catch the important half, however. Maybe the same thing will apply with the people in Guatemala, also. Or maybe just by listening with my heart, I will be able to understand them, even if I don’t understand every word they say.


Another topic we talked about in class that I know I will need to improve on before leaving, is the ability to admit when I don’t know, and let others support me. As Profesora Bontrager shared her story about the man who told her, “You are really hard to give to!” that really hit home with me, because I started to realize that independence and self-reliance are the traits I hold dearest to me, too. In the last 7 years, I have lost a parent, moved myself across the country away from everyone I knew, lived on my own, started my career, started my own business, and became a homeowner, all by myself. Not only that, but I have been wounded countless times by situations where I have accepted help from others, only to have that help held against me as collateral, or to be ridiculed or shamed for the help I asked for. Or in some cases, I would be promised help, and that promise would be meaningless. Since then, I have prided myself on being independent and not relying on others. But as I read through the books, especially I, Rigoberta Menchu, I was struck by how often the people in her village relied on one another for food, shelter, protection, and support. I realized that independence is very much an American value. I am once again breaching a new territory with an unfamiliar custom. I don’t interpret gray areas very well, and I feel like this is a big one. How much should I ask for help before I become a burden to others? Who is safe to ask for help, and who will shame me for it? I know that suffering quietly is not the answer if I need something, but it will be such unfamiliar territory that I will need a lot of guidance.





Thankfully, even though I will be staying on my own with my host family, I know I will not be there alone. If I am experiencing frustration, homesickness, fatigue, or stress, there will most certainly be others in the group who are going through the same thing. Maybe we will be able to support each other, so that no one has to go through feeling that alone.

Thoughts on My Cultural Identity Overseas

Questions:
How will past conflicts influence how the indigenous people see me there? Are they still distrustful of Americans?
How long will it take me to be comfortable in the culture there? What is the best way for me to learn while I’m there?
What things do I need to do to prepare myself, both physically and emotionally, for the journey there?
What can I do to help support some of the younger women in the group while we go?
What parts of my cultural identity will help me to thrive there, and which ones will stand in my way?


I remember as a kid loving the movie “The Road to El Dorado,” a cute Disney movie about two Spaniards who stowaway on a ship and end up as part of one of the Spanish Invasion groups that land in the Mayan culture. They find the mythical town of “El Dorado,” a city paved in gold. One of the big themes of the movie is that the Mayans practice human sacrifice. Everybody in that culture seems okay with it, except the two Spaniards who keep insisting that there will be no human sacrifices, and try to change the Mayans culture. As a kid in American culture, I saw nothing wrong with this. However, upon reading these books and through our class discussions, it’s brought into sharp realization that ethnocentrism, in just that children’s movie. The movie didn't portray the Spaniards as trying to understand the Mayan culture at all. In fact, they spent the whole movie rigging the system so that they could come out on top and maintain their status as “white gods,” like the Mayan people believed they were.
If that doesn't summarize American culture, I don't know what does.
It seems that ethnocentrism is the biggest reigning problem that has made life as awful for indigenous Guatemalans overall. The Guatemala in Focus book covered a lot of the atrocities that happened to them. I was shocked to discover that the United States was behind a lot of it. It says that “In the 1960’s, the US helped to modernize the Guatemalan army by providing helicopters, jeeps, radar, and advice and training. (O’Kane 25) This is what allowed La Escoba to become a holocaust in the 1980’s. People would start disappearing overnight. Many people took refuge in other countries or up into the jungles. Of course, this would make it impossible for them to unite and fight back, especially when the military was so powerful.
As I read this, it brought into sharp realization the situation of one of my most beloved students, Jaime. (The same one who told me not to have my phone out in public because “it will get jacked!”) I try not to pry into the personal lives of my students or their families, especially since I know some of their pasts have been ugly and heartbreaking. I had heard from one of the other teachers that his parents had “escaped a war.” And whenever we would talk about culture in class, I would bring up the fact that there are plenty of Americans who were born here but still speak Spanish as their first language, he would heartily self identify. He proudly identifies as both Guatemalan, and American. I’m now beginning to realize that his parents were probably one of those Mayans who were forced to flee their home country. I hope to be able to get more information on this.
I also came to a sharp realization about how little I knew about Central American culture. In school, when talking about the Cold War, we learned about the major key players: United States, Russia, and Japan. There was never any mention of the fact that American CIA invaded Guatemala. In fact, we never even discussed Guatemala at all. We learned very little about Mexico, and other than my high school Spanish class requiring us to be able to label Central American countries on a map as part of our grade, we studied nothing about any Central American countries. I feel a little disadvantaged that this is my first experience learning about Guatemalan culture, or any Central American culture, for that matter.
When I first saw the list of books that I would have to read for this course, I started to get a little bit nervous. It would not be like my previous undergraduate courses I took over 6 years ago, where I could buy maybe 1 or 2 books from the list and skim read them. I knew right away that this was all going to be information I needed for this trip! I wanted to learn all of it, even if it meant putting in a ton of extra work on the side. One centralized theme in the books, and our in-class discussions, is: “The more prepared you are, the easier it will be to acclimate.” I want to be as ready as I can, even though I know that nothing can fully prepare me for what I face there.
I know will be impossible to completely shed my American culture when I go to Guatemala, but the ability to learn and adapt to the culture will be my biggest advocate while I’m there. According to the Survival Kit for Overseas Living, one of the big American mindsets is “We do things better than you.” (Kohls 14). This unfortunately was the culture that I was raised in, growing up. Everyone had to be white, Christian, middle-class American, and anyone who wasn’t, was someone to be hated or felt pity for. Thankfully, I feel like I have been far removed from that culture. Since starting college, and especially since I started my career as a teacher, I have been blessed enough to get to experience a wide variety of cultures through my colleagues and students.
Once I left my childhood culture, I had a thirst to know about how other people lived. I knew that I grew up sheltered, and so once I got out on my own, nothing became off-limits. When everything used to be forbidden, suddenly when I was free, everything was acceptable. I could hear about customs like polygamy, Wiccan religious practices, eating monkey brains, and not using toilet paper, and be completely okay with the concepts! Very much like what the book emphasized in several chapters, I tried to understand the logic behind each culture, and understand that just because they are different, or what Americans would consider unusual, doesn’t mean they are inherently wrong.  I tried everything from every culture I could get access to. I attended a Muslim mosque, and ate halal food with my fingers. I talked with African American people about what different cultural values they were brought up with. I dated a Jewish man for a while and learned all about what makes up that culture. I threw my very first “Cultural Appreciation Day,” this year where my students each had to present their own cultural autobiography to the class, and bring in a special object or food that they considered part of their culture.
I know that this trait of curiosity and openness will serve me well while I am abroad, but I also know there are traits mine that may not. For one, I am very task and goal oriented, which according to the Survival Kit, may be seen negatively by my host culture. (Kohls 82) Another thing that I am worried about is homesickness, as described by Chapter 18 of the Survival Kit. I’m not a very aggressive person by nature, and very open to flexibility, so I doubt that any of the Aggressive Symptoms described on page 96 will manifest themselves. However, I have experienced  a lot of the Overall Symptoms list, just on local trips across the country. Anxiety, homesickness, fatigue, self doubt, feelings of inadequacy, unexplained fits of weeping (that one made me laugh because it’s so true!) and physical ailments, all are things that have happened to me quite a bit in my travels. (Kohls 96)
In a way, it is causing me a lot of stress. I know that my host family and other local people will be watching me to see “how the American acts.” Of course, I am aware that I will not be the first American they have encountered in their town, and the host families have probably seen the “unexplained fits of weeping” before, but at the same time, I still want to represent Americans well. Page 66 cautions us to beware of emotion-laden biases. (Kohls 66) I also know that I am very slow to pick up on social nonverbal cues, which is another thing that the book stresses for success. I don’t even pick up on social cues in my own culture, probably due to having that element of growth stunted from childhood.
However, one part of the book did give me hope. It said several times throughout the chapters that many of the local people will be willing, if not excited, to assist me in learning their culture, especially if they can see that I’m actively trying. One skill I have developed most recently as an adult, is the ability to ask for help without feeling shame. I practice this quite a bit, especially as I’m learning Spanish. I have a bilingual para in my classroom who has helped me on a daily basis to practice my Spanish. I will frequently ask her questions about certain words, and the social connotation behind uses of those words. (For example, she was the one who taught me to always use “blanquillos” instead of huevos”). Despite my natural fear of failure and embarrassment, I don’t think it will be large enough to keep me from asking my host family and others for help or advice when I need it. 
Finally, I think that drawing on strength from our group will also be a huge advocate. I think we are blessed to have such a wide range of backgrounds and cultures: From Monica, who has never really left home, to Reba who is fluent in Spanish and has parents from Central American backgrounds, to Mel, who is an immigrant herself. It’s also nice to have Marie and Monica, who are two other education majors, with me through this experience, because the three of us all have the same goal in mind: To learn Spanish for the benefit of our students. I know that even during tough times while we are abroad, that common goal will help unite our group and bring us closer.

So What Is This Trip, Anyway?

I’ve had a lot of people ask me about what this trip is all about and what I will be doing. So I’ll take a moment to answer some of the most common questions I keep getting!

Q1: So, is this like a college class?
Yes and no. It’s a program, directed by Newman University, and it’s an undergrad level program focused on Spanish immersion. Since I already have my Bachelor’s complete, I don’t need the college credits or a grade. I won’t be technically enrolled in the prep course, so I don’t have to pay extra tuition for that. However, I’m still required to complete all the prep course work in order to go on the trip. The trip itself is an undergrad credit in itself that includes the trip, tuition, and adventures while I’m there. That’s what I have to pay the $5500 for.

Q2: Is it like a vacation?
NO! It is school. There will be fun evening group events planned every night and weekend, but I will be sitting one-on-one with a Spanish teacher, talking in conversational Spanish, for 5 hours a day, 5 days a week, for 6 solid weeks. I don’t see it as a vacation. A trip to the Bahamas would be a vacation. I’m going there to learn Spanish. That’s the main mission of the trip.

Q3: How’d you find the class?
I’m currently taking a grad-level class for the district through Newman University. The district will pay for 5 grad school level courses in ESOL (English Speakers of Other Languages). Ironically, it’s NOT a second language program, but more of a program for educators that teaches them techniques for effectively teaching students who don’t speak English as their first language. Since the district is paying for all of it, and it’s something I’m passionate about, I have 2.5 years’ worth of classes that I’m attending to get that endorsement added to my license.
However, being enrolled at Newman in the grad level courses, put me on the school-wide student email list. In October, I got an email from Sonja Bontrager, the director for the program, with an all-call invite to the entire student body asking for participants in the Guatemala Study and Serve program. That’s how I found it, and got started in it. It was a lengthy application process but I got into the program!

Q4: Are you a foreign exchange student?
Yes. I will be staying with one host family for the first week or so while I’m there, helping with the rescue mission Maria de Mattias. After that, we will go to Quetzaltenango, where the school is: Proyecto Linguistico Quetzalteco. I will have a different host family while there. So I will be spending very little time with other English speakers.

Q5: Are you becoming bilingual so you’ll get a raise or a promotion?
Not at all. Obviously being bilingual will make me more marketable. But in the teaching community, raises and promotions are very rare without formal educations and degrees. Obviously, a raise or promotion would be nice, but I honestly don’t care if I get a raise or a promotion. I’m going for me, and for my students and their families. I want to challenge myself and become a more empowered educator. I want to be able to explain my classroom material to my students in a language they understand. I want to be more aware of other cultures. I want to be able to say I learned another language in my 20’s. I want to learn about other countries, cultures, foods, and customs. A bonus or a promotion would be secondary to the incredible life experience I will gain.

Shout Out to to my Dentist!

Out of all the people I sent out donation request letters, I have had one rejection letter, and a lot of silence. Then, out of nowhere, I get this!!! Shoutout to Reflection Ridge Dental for furthering my journey along!

First Prep Class

Tonight I went to my first session of the Central American Studies class I am required to attend before I can go on the Guatemala Study and Serve trip. I am definitely on brain overload right now! But more excited than ever to get to go! I am traveling with an amazing group of young women from all walks of life! Our instructors are encouraging, helpful, and kind. Even though the trip is not for another 5 months, they answered all my questions. Once I started to see pictures of the places in Guatemala that we would travel, I got even more excited! There will be a whole 5 hours, every day, for 6 weeks, of one-on-one Spanish training with a different speaker every week! Even thought that's the "school" part of the trip, I think that's the one I'm the most excited about! After all, the main goal of this trip is to become fluent.

However, this class will be a lot of work! There are 9 required books for the course! And for someone who hasn't been in college in the last 6 years, that is a LOT of reading to do in my not-so-ample free time! I will have to plan out a designated study day and time to make sure it gets done. But I know they're all important to prepare me for what I will find when I'm there. As someone who knows nothing about Guatemala and has never been out of the country before, I will need as much preparation as I can get!

Here's to spending the next 5 months learning!